In Islamic tradition, there’s a hadith that often brings a thoughtful smile to my face. I want to share why this is so, insha’Allah.
My first encounter with this hadith was during a Qur’an tafsir class around the years 2000-2001. The context was an explanation of shafa’ah (intercession) in Islam. Interestingly, the hadith wasn’t presented for the reasons I’m drawn to it today. The discussion then focused on differentiating between advice, direct commands, and intercession from someone in authority, and how each impacts the recipient, specifically in relation to shafa’ah.
The Story of Barirah and Mughith: A Wife’s Choice
Let’s delve into the hadith itself:
Narrated by Ibn ‘Abbas: “The husband of Barirah was a slave called Mughith. It is as if I can see him walking behind her weeping, with tears running down his beard. The Prophet ﷺ said to Al-‘Abbas: “O ‘Abbas, are you not amazed by the love of Mughith for Barirah and the hatred of Barirah for Mughith?” The Messenger of Allah said to her: “Why don’t you take him back, for he is the father of your child?” She said: “O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me (to do so)?” He said: “I am just interceding.” She said: “I have no need of him.” [Sunan Al-Nisai]
This hadith is graded as sahih (authentic) and is also found in Abu Dawood and Ibn Majah with slight variations.
Some background: Barirah was a slave girl who was purchased and freed by Prophet Muhammad’s wife, Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her). Her husband, Mughith, is described as a slave in some accounts and a free man in others. This context is crucial for understanding the Prophet’s role in interceding. Historical accounts suggest Barirah was close to the Prophet’s family, even being someone he relied on in his final moments.
Despite this closeness and the following compelling factors, Barirah sought divorce, stating unequivocally, “I have no need of him”:
- Mughith’s Profound Love: He was deeply in love with Barirah, publicly displaying his sorrow by weeping openly in the streets of Madinah as he followed her after her decision to leave. Imagine the vulnerability of a man crying and following his wife in public! It challenges modern notions of masculinity, doesn’t it?
- Shared Child: They had a child together, a significant factor in marital decisions.
- Prophet’s Intercession: Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, in his capacity as a judge, leader, and her guardian through Aisha, interceded on Mughith’s behalf, requesting she reconsider.
Knowing this, do you see why this hadith brings a smile to my face? And perhaps why I titled this piece as I did?
In today’s world, would many imams or khateebs readily share this hadith when discussing divorce in Islam, particularly emphasizing a woman’s perspective and rights?
Probably not from a purely legalistic viewpoint, but what about from the lens of a Muslim woman’s rights?
Now, before accusations of feminism or liberal leanings arise, let me clarify. This isn’t an endorsement of women leaving their marriages impulsively at the first sign of trouble.
What truly resonates is the sheer strength and agency of Barirah, a woman who rose from enslavement. Imagine the inner fortitude of this young woman, once a slave, now standing her ground, even against the Prophet’s intercession! We are talking about young women here, Aisha and Barirah, navigating complex social and personal landscapes with remarkable resolve.
Deciphering the Prophet’s Words: Love and Resentment
Let’s examine two key Arabic words the Prophet ﷺ used to describe Barirah and Mughith’s feelings: حُبِّ (hubb) meaning love, and بُغْضِ (bughd) meaning resentment or deep dislike.
Bughd is a powerful word, often used in Urdu to denote deep-seated hatred or animosity. It’s a word often invoked by well-meaning elders in our communities, sometimes wielded to discourage those who are wronged from harboring resentment towards their oppressors, urging unconditional forgiveness even in the face of injustice.
Yet, Prophet Muhammad ﷺ used بُغْضِ to describe Barirah’s feelings for Mughith when she decided to leave him permanently. Crucially, the Prophet didn’t condemn her bughd. He didn’t reprimand her for being a rebellious wife or demand repentance and unquestioning return.
He acknowledged Mughith’s love for her, expressing his amazement to Al-Abbas, and he gently reminded her of their child. These are the very reasons often cited to pressure women into staying in unhappy marriages: “He loves you so much!” and “Think of the children!”
But what’s often overlooked is the immense difficulty, even impossibility, for a Muslim woman who harbors bughd for her husband to fulfill her Islamic marital obligations. Respect, obedience, joyful intimacy – these become insurmountable hurdles when resentment festers. A woman in such a situation may find herself constantly in fear of Allah’s judgment for failing in her duties as a wife.
This hadith offers hope and validation for women in such predicaments. It demonstrates that Islam recognizes a woman’s right to leave, even when the husband loves her and children are involved.
Barirah’s astute question to the Prophet—was he commanding or interceding?—highlights her understanding of authority and choice. Upon clarifying it was intercession, not a command, she decisively stated, “I have no need of him.” Her decision was final.
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Consider the Consequences, Sisters!
divorce papers
Before anyone reading this, feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, makes a hasty decision, it’s crucial to consider the realities of divorce. I’ve seen readers take my words too literally before, leading to impulsive actions without fully considering the ramifications. Therefore, to all Muslim wives contemplating divorce, consider these points:
- Consequences: Are you prepared for the multifaceted consequences of divorce? Yes, freedom from a toxic relationship and the possibility of a happier single life (insha’Allah) are significant gains. But there are also added responsibilities, especially as a single mother. Children will ask questions, and you’ll need to share the truth, potentially facing resentment from them for leaving their father.
- Continued Connections: Are you ready for the possibility of your children, siblings, or parents maintaining relationships with your ex-husband? Will you handle this with maturity and open-mindedness? Remember, children have an Islamic obligation to maintain ties with both parents. Your ex-husband might be a decent person in other roles, even if he wasn’t a good husband. Will you allow moderated visits with your ex and his family?
- Remarriage: Do you desire remarriage? In some cultures, being a divorcee carries social implications. Even without societal judgment, navigating remarriage with children can be complex. Your new partner may be older, with his own history and children, potentially adding layers of complexity to your new marriage.
- Financial Independence: Financial self-sufficiency is paramount post-divorce, especially if remarriage isn’t immediate. Say goodbye to any financial comfort you might have had in marriage, especially if the marriage was already strained. Toxic marriages often lack financial security anyway. You’ll need to secure employment, manage finances, and potentially face the stress of balancing work and single motherhood.
- Social Circles: Shared friendships may shift. Some friends may side with your ex-husband, potentially altering your social life.
- Overcoming Bitterness: Beyond practicalities, addressing emotional well-being is crucial. Transitioning from homemaker to working woman, potential social losses, and the emotional toll of divorce can lead to bitterness and depression. Actively work towards healing, move forward, and engage in activities you couldn’t pursue during your unhappy marriage. Your happiness will positively impact your children and family.
Conclusion: Navigating a Changing World
The roles and realities of women are rapidly evolving. Older generations, even those digitally connected, may struggle to fully grasp the extent of these changes. They are often anchored in past social norms and thought patterns, potentially missing the shifts impacting younger generations.
I never imagined witnessing signs of Qiyamah (the Day of Judgment) in my lifetime, yet we see them – like bedouins competing in constructing tall buildings.
Young women today need guidance from older women to navigate these turbulent social currents. One significant shift is the increasing financial, economic, and political empowerment of women, partly fueled by, or perhaps causing, a perceived emasculation of men.
This isn’t to offend male readers, who are also navigating these changes. Many young men from the post-1990s generation struggle to be sole financial providers, needing support from parents, in-laws, or wives, even for basic necessities. Luxuries are often out of reach.
Furthermore, technology-fueled issues like pornography and masturbation addiction contribute to challenges. These issues can lead to premature emasculation, impacting intimacy and respect within marriage. It can be profoundly difficult for a wife to respect a husband who cannot fulfill her physical and financial needs.
Blame is futile in this chicken-and-egg scenario. Women are gaining financial independence, and society is increasingly accepting, even encouraging, female independence. This trend seems persistent. We must adapt socially and mentally.
I’ve digressed somewhat from the initial hadith. But consider this: will we ever hear a comprehensive analysis of this hadith from mosque pulpits, especially during Friday sermons where men are the majority?
Update, 2023: Personal Encounters with Divorce
backstab
In a world increasingly aware of mental health and women’s empowerment, I want to share that my own marriage has nearly ended not once, but twice.
Before sharing my personal story, let’s consider Islamic perspectives on permissible gheebah (backbiting). Islamic scholars state that gheebah is permissible for valid reasons, including seeking redress from injustice, seeking religious rulings, and warning others of potential harm. However, it should be done without exaggeration or vengeful intent.
The scholars stated that it is permissible to ‘backbite’ if there is an apparent benefit, like when being wronged, when asking for a religious ruling, and when warning the Muslims about an evil that might occur, and so on. However, one should be careful not exceed the need in doing so, and be cautious not to do that as a way of revenge and so on.
[Source: Islamweb]
According to Islamic Law, there are certain matters which absolve a person from the sin of gheebah (backbiting), as follows: First, complaining about oppression or injustice: It is lawful for an oppressed or wronged person to mention the evil things committed against him by one who has oppressed or wronged him, in the presence of someone who is supposed to bring him his right back. Second, seeking others’ assistance for changing something wrong, and bringing an oppressor back to the way of righteousness…
[Source: IslamOnline]
The scholars have stated that gheebah is permitted in certain situations: 1- Complaining. It is permissible for the one who has been wronged to complain to the ruler or judge, and others who have the authority or ability to settle the score with the one who wronged him. 2- Seeking help to change evil and bring the sinner back to the right path, so he may say to the one who he hopes is able to do something: “So and so is doing such and such; tell him not to do it.”…
[Source: IslamQA]
Having clarified the Islamic permissibility of sharing my experiences to address injustice and warn others, I will continue my narrative.
My first near-divorce occurred around 2007, after my son’s birth. It stemmed from the shock and betrayal of discovering my husband, Irfan Hassan’s, mental illness. He had been medicated for over a decade for this condition, the origins of which remained shrouded in his silence.
Soon after our marriage, I found packets of Stelazine in our kitchen. Over time, fragments of information emerged, culminating in a stark realization of the severity of his condition in late 2006. His initial explanation was minimal: “I wanted to marry in the 90s, was refused, and the shock caused physical pain and insomnia. A doctor suggested a psychiatrist, Dr. Shifa Naeem, who prescribed this minimal dose.”
The full story was more complex. He was a stubborn child who always wanted early marriage. Upon university graduation, he pressured his mother, Noorun Nehar Ali, to find him a wife. His parents reacted with shock, citing his lack of job and his elder brother’s unmarried status. They disapproved of the “hostel girl” he desired to marry.
They flatly refused. Yet, he persisted, especially with his mother, despite his father, Mohammad Naqi Hasan, working abroad. His stubbornness took a toll. He developed a suspicion that his family was tampering with his water, and stopped drinking it at home.
Following this, he not only ceased his marriage demands but also developed delusions, unexplained muscle pain, and chronic insomnia.
While this explained his erratic behavior, especially in private, his delusions were particularly concerning. He held bizarre, unfounded beliefs, especially about women.
When I considered divorce then, I had a two-year-old and a newborn. Both sets of parents and Dr. Shifa advised patience, fate, and staying for the children’s sake. The focus was on secrecy, appearances, and preserving the family unit at the expense of my well-being.
So, at 28.5, I stayed. Divorce was heavily stigmatized then. Elders often advised wives to compromise, silence themselves, and endure, regardless of the husband’s faults.
They employed a tactic of “reassurance” by detailing worse situations of other women who stayed in their marriages. The implication was clear: my situation was “trivial” compared to others, making me unreasonable and ungrateful.
Some former friends from religious circles stayed with husbands who, by Islamic standards, were no longer Muslim. One friend confided that her husband blasphemed and rejected ahadith. Others stayed with husbands who didn’t pray or believe in the Hereafter.
These women stayed for their children, advised by elders to “compromise and be patient.” My friend even continued marital relations and had more children with the husband who had insulted Allah and the Prophet ﷺ.
This was framed as compromise, sabr (patience), rida bil qadr (acceptance of Divine decree), and being a “good wife.”
“It is the women and their patience that keeps families together, beti. Not the men.”
Older women shared stories of “virtuous” wives enduring infidelity, financial ruin, and in-law abuse. One relative pointedly told me I was “lucky” my “trial” was “trivial”—just pills and strange behavior. He was religious and employed, wasn’t that enough?
So, I stayed.
Then, better days came. I chose to “make lemonade.” I accepted a small apartment my father bought (a fact I concealed to maintain my husband’s social standing) and focused on writing and homeschooling. I agreed to silence my husband’s mental disability.
Shortly after, I found an amulet on my husband’s arm, placed by his mother with his father’s knowledge, with orders to conceal it from me. First, the water, then the amulet. Pakistani women and their recourse to haram for quick fixes.
This fatwa from Hanafi fiqh seemingly permits dubious practices in the name of “spiritual healing.” Practices absent from the Prophet’s and his companions’ lives.
I removed the amulet and instructed him to dispose of it Islamically. I regret not photographing its contents. His parents defended their actions, claiming it was from Binoria, a supposedly reputable madrassa. His mother, however, is a known liar.
This was 2007. I stayed, masking my husband’s illness and in-law apathy, focusing on my children and ignoring the glaring negatives. Life improved for a while as his career stabilized.
My second, more serious brush with divorce happened in 2023. It stemmed from a career shift, or rather, a combination of factors: his limiting beliefs about money, my older children maturing, my youngest growing up, and his stressful job at AlBaraka Bank impacting his health and life balance.
My husband had a hidden trait: he softened around young children. As they grew, his “soft side” diminished, and a darker side emerged. He disliked spending on young adults who couldn’t be controlled or dominated like younger children.
My children, masha’Allah, are perceptive, perhaps due to Quran recitation in the womb and a screen-free, unschooled childhood. They matured quickly, as Dr. Bilal Philips noted about homeschooled children.
Remember the lemonade? Now, it was my turn to drink it.
My older children helped me understand their father’s behavior: his mood swings, bipolar tendencies, the disconnect between his words and actions. They even spoke with his psychiatrist, Dr. Hanif Mesiya, helping me see reality and avoid his gaslighting.
Dr. Shifa Naeem had referred him to a male psychiatrist after a few sessions in 2005-2006, who switched his medication to Aripiprazole. Perhaps my questions to Dr. Shifa contributed to her discontinuing his care after years of treatment since 1994.
After 2008, with career stability, my husband, like many Pakistanis, became indifferent to his mental health, refusing further treatment, a view shared by his parents. Trivializing, gaslighting, and silencing became the norm. If he was medicated and functioning at work, why bother with doctors?
Years passed. As our children matured, my husband’s behavior changed. Their youth and dependence had kept his aggression at bay. Their truthfulness and integrity, contrasting with his family’s people-pleasing tendencies, led them to openly challenge his lies and duplicity.
This worsened his aggression and bipolar symptoms. His job stress also intensified. Senior management, while seemingly glamorous, brought heavy workload and responsibilities, impacting his health and family. His mental health declined, and work-life balance vanished.
However, these factors, while contributing, weren’t the primary reasons for my second near-divorce. The main reasons were: my insistence on his resignation to improve our home life and his health; home break-ins that revealed his indifference to our safety; and his mother and siblings pressuring him to divorce me after I “blew the whistle” about his father’s death.
My father-in-law died of COVID-19 in January 2021 under suspicious circumstances. My husband’s family has a strong aversion to paid healthcare, preferring “free” options. They only consider private healthcare if it’s externally funded or reimbursed.
This belief extended to my father-in-law’s care. Another family trait is secrecy about illness. In contrast, my family openly shares health concerns. My in-laws concealed my father-in-law’s COVID-19 and his government hospital admission from extended family.
In short, my whistleblowing led to his mother and siblings demanding my divorce when he sought their financial help after resigning.
Another previously unrevealed aspect: my husband’s inability to save money, a change post-marriage. I manage budgeting and saving, despite not being frugal. He spends until funds are depleted. The irony!
Upon hearing his sob story and believing he had left me, his mother and siblings pressured him to divorce me. Two brothers called, one (Arsalan) a divorcee himself. His brother Arshad, a dentist, and sister Vajeeha were present in person. See their 2004 family photo here.
My deceased father-in-law had been instrumental in our marriage. Now, they turned against me. Their divorce pressure, according to him, lasted days, intensified by his sister Vajeeha’s visit.
But he didn’t divorce me. Why? He had presented himself as wronged, claiming abuse and disobedience, even consulting a mufti who advised divorce. His family readily agreed.
Why didn’t he proceed? He claims a dream changed his heart. He dreamt of me at a gate, with trees reciting Arabic nasheeds, calling him towards it, interpreting me as destined for Paradise, leading him there.
So, he stayed. Sigh. Delusions? Allah knows best.
Even if the dream interpretation is true, I no longer want him back. Dream or no dream. I feel betrayed after all I’ve done for him, our children, his career, and his mental health.
His mental illness is a lifelong condition. Without medication, he can’t function normally. Even medicated, he has relapses. This was a constant, undisclosed challenge. His and his parents’ concealment of his mental illness before marriage was a betrayal. Had we known, we wouldn’t have agreed to the marriage.
I’ve been publicly silent for two decades, maintaining appearances, isolating myself from family and friends, enduring undisclosed illnesses and injuries, to protect my children, home, and societal standing, and to spare my parents embarrassment.
But now, for what? For a man who betrayed me over money, for making him resign a job damaging his health and family?
I’ve been estranged from my in-laws since 2015. My complaints about my husband’s illness reached a boiling point with my father-in-law, who, with his wife, implied I was mentally ill. They wanted silence or retaliation through rumors. I haven’t spoken to them since. Many were used by his mother to extract information from me.
In this second, more serious divorce contemplation, I am calmer. My children’s and parents’ support is crucial. I can no longer live with a man with delusional and bipolar disorders.
Though not violent with me, he has been physically abusive towards my son. I won’t allow harm to my children.
His “caring” mother and siblings, who refuse to house him long-term, pressured him to divorce me. Why didn’t he just comply?
What surprises me is that all but the youngest brother have daughters. While pressuring their son/brother to abandon his family, didn’t they consider the implications for their own daughters? Karma?
They threatened me, claiming I’m unsafe. 👏🏻 Kudos.
Someone should ask his mother and brothers why, if his mental illness is “trivial,” none of them ever house him long-term. Why was he in a rented room financed by his divorced brother in the US, while his sister and niece occupied the master bedroom at his parents’ home? United, loving family? Shouldn’t mothers love unconditionally? Why discard their son for refusing divorce?
Should we just give in, divorce, and make his family happy? His sister is right, many “girls” are out there. Like the “girl” she found for her brother who left after two months. Modern women are wiser, it seems.
Here I am, blowing the whistle on my 19-year marriage. For two decades, I suffered in silence, as elders and my husband wished. But I’m exhausted.
Isn’t it true that in Islam, a husband should prioritize his mother over his wife and obey her commands? How much more can our family withstand? 🤷🏼♀️
Time will tell. For now, I’ve blown another whistle, leaving the outcome to Allah. I am thoroughly exhausted.
Book #18
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